Addressing conflict with an intimate partner

A marriage or other serious attachment that is entirely conflict-free—whether the conflict is open or well muffled—probably does not exist. And maybe shouldn’t! Many if not most couples have worked out at least a few more or less satisfactory ways to manage the conflicts that inevitably arise. 

But crises do happen in intimate relationships. Getting timely help with conflict can make the difference between staying together—thanks to stronger and more supple bonds—or breaking a family apart.

In times of conflict and estrangement, it can be useful to remind yourself of what it was that drew the two of you together in the first place. A therapist can help even heavily defended couples lay down their arms and reflect that it wasn’t always like this—and doesn’t necessarily have to stay this way. 

It takes courage to give your partner another chance, especially when you’re feeling hurt, and the hurt echoes hurts you seem to have been feeling since way before the two of you even met.

Disentangling current frictions from old emotional injuries is often an important part of couples therapy. Once the burdens of the past have been set aside, partners have a better chance to see each other clearly . . . and a greater range of motion for their efforts to re-connect.

Has the time come to separate or divorce?

Even after trying to resolve the issues, one or both partners may conclude that breaking up is the only choice that makes sense. Getting to that realization can be very hard, especially as it rarely happens simultaneously. 

Managing the separation without undue collateral damage (and expensive litigation) can be even harder. Consulting with a calm and experienced outsider who will help manage the intensity of the conflict while resisting the temptation to choose sides can make a great difference in outcomes for all involved.

Parenting through the crisis

If a couple has children, the relationship between partners or spouses is never quite over, however much one or both might wish it. Finding ways to effectively co-parent with someone you no longer love (and may not even like) can be among the hardest emotional and interpersonal tasks adults ever attempt. 

It is also one of the most important. Honoring each other’s relationship with your children is crucial, yet is rarely executed flawlessly by couples breaking up. Having access to a calm, knowledgeable, neutral party who will help both parties stay true to their better selves can make a big difference in a difficult time.

How I can help

Having trained as a divorce mediator and as a couples and families therapist, I have decades of experience helping couples to:

  • identify issues; 
  • change what can be changed; 
  • learn to live with what can’t be changed; 
  • recognize when the time has come to part;
  • work through the nitty-gritty of a separation with the least possible damage; 
  • develop a workable parenting plan.